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Anna Karenina 436

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Anna Karenina

War And Peace

himself," she thought, looking at a red-faced clerk, riding on a riding school horse. "Yes, theres not the same flavor about me for him now. If I go away from him, at the bottom of his heart he will be glad." This was not mere supposition, she saw it distinctly in the piercing light, which revealed to her now the meaning of life and human relations. "My love keeps growing more passionate and egoistic, while his is waning and waning, and thats why were drifting apart." She went on musing. "And theres no help for it. He is everything for me, and I want him more and more to give himself up to me entirely. And he wants more and more to get away from me. We walked to meet each other up to the time of our love, and then we have been irresistibly drifting in different directions. And theres no altering that. He tells me Im insanely jealous, and I have told myself that I am insanely jealous; but its not true. Im not jealous, but Im unsatisfied. But..." she opened her lips, and shifted her place in the carriage in the excitement, aroused by the thought that suddenly struck her. "If I could be anything but a mistress, passionately caring for nothing but his caresses; but I cant and I dont care to be anything else. And by that desire I rouse aversion in him, and he rouses fury in me, and it cannot be different. Dont I know that he wouldnt deceive me, that he has no schemes about Princess Sorokina, that hes not in love with Kitty, that he wont desert me! I know all that, but it makes it no better for me. If without loving me, from _duty_ hell be good and kind to me, without what I want, thats a thousand times worse than unkindness! Thats--hell! And thats just how it is. For a long while now he hasnt loved me. And where love ends, hate begins. I dont know these streets at all. Hills it seems, and still houses, and houses .... And in the houses always people and people.... How many of them, no end, and all hating each other! Come, let me try and think what I want, to make me happy. Well? Suppose I am divorced, and Alexey Alexandrovitch lets me have Seryozha, and I marry Vronsky." Thinking of Alexey Alexandrovitch, she at once pictured him with extraordinary vividness as though he were alive before her, with his mild, lifeless, dull eyes, the blue veins in his white hands, his intonations and the cracking of his fingers, and remembering the feeling which had existed between them, and which was also called love, she shuddered with loathing. "Well, Im divorced, and become Vronskys wife. Well, will Kitty cease looking at me as she looked at me today? No. And will Seryozha leave off asking and wondering about my two husbands? And is there any new feeling I can awaken between Vronsky and me? Is there possible, if not happiness, some sort of ease from misery? No, no!" she answered now without the slightest hesitation. "Impossible! We are drawn apart by life, and I make his unhappiness, and he mine, and theres no altering him or me. Every attempt has been made, the screw has come unscrewed. Oh, a beggar woman with a baby. She thinks Im sorry for her. Arent we all flung into the world only to hate each other, and so to torture ourselves and each other? Schoolboys coming--laughing Seryozha?" she thought. "I thought, too, that I loved him, and used to be touched by my own tenderness. But I have lived without him, I gave him up for another love, and did not regret the exchange till that love was satisfied." And with loathing she thought of what she meant by that love. And the clearness with which she saw life now, her own and all mens, was a pleasure to her. "Its so with me and Pyotr, and the coachman, Fyodor, and that merchant, and all the people living along the Volga, where those placards invite one to go, and everywhere and always," she thought when she had driven under the low-pitched roof of the Nizhigorod station, and the porters ran to meet her. "A ticket to

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