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Anna Karenina 134


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Anna Karenina

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said Kitty, opening her eyes wide, and clutching at Varenkas parasol, so as not to let her go. "No, wait a minute; why not?" "Oh, nothing; your father has come, and besides, they will feel awkward at your helping." "No, tell me why you dont want me to be often at the Petrovs. You dont want me to--why not?" "I didnt say that," said Varenka quietly. "No, please tell me!" "Tell you everything?" asked Varenka. "Everything, everything!" Kitty assented. "Well, theres really nothing of any consequence; only that Mihail Alexeyevitch" (that was the artists name) "had meant to leave earlier, and now he doesnt want to go away," said Varenka, smiling. "Well, well!" Kitty urged impatiently, looking darkly at Varenka. "Well, and for some reason Anna Pavlovna told him that he didnt want to go because you are here. Of course, that was nonsense; but there was a dispute over it--over you. You know how irritable these sick people are." Kitty, scowling more than ever, kept silent, and Varenka went on speaking alone, trying to soften or soothe her, and seeing a storm coming--she did not know whether of tears or of words. "So youd better not go.... You understand; you wont be offended?..." "And it serves me right! And it serves me right!" Kitty cried quickly, snatching the parasol out of Varenkas hand, and looking past her friends face. Varenka felt inclined to smile, looking at her childish fury, but she was afraid of wounding her. "How does it serve you right? I dont understand," she said. "It serves me right, because it was all sham; because it was all done on purpose, and not from the heart. What business had I to interfere with outsiders? And so its come about that Im a cause of quarrel, and that Ive done what nobody asked me to do. Because it was all a sham! a sham! a sham!..." "A sham! with what object?" said Varenka gently. "Oh, its so idiotic! so hateful! There was no need whatever for me.... Nothing but sham!" she said, opening and shutting the parasol. "But with what object?" "To seem better to people, to myself, to God; to deceive everyone. No! now I wont descend to that. Ill be bad; but anyway not a liar, a cheat." "But who is a cheat?" said Varenka reproachfully. "You speak as if..." But Kitty was in one of her gusts of fury, and she would not let her finish. "I dont talk about you, not about you at all. Youre perfection. Yes, yes, I know youre all perfection; but what am I to do if Im bad? This would never have been if I werent bad. So let me be what I am. I wont be a sham. What have I to do with Anna Pavlovna? Let them go their way, and me go mine. I cant be different.... And yet its not that, its not that." "What is not that?" asked Varenka in bewilderment. "Everything. I cant act except from the heart, and you act from principle. I liked you simply, but you most likely only wanted to save me, to improve me." "You are unjust," said Varenka. "But Im not speaking of other people, Im speaking of myself." "Kitty," they heard her mothers voice, "come here, show papa your necklace." Kitty, with a haughty air, without making peace with her friend, took the necklace in a little box from the table and went to her mother. "Whats the matter? Why are you so red?" her mother and father said to her with one voice. "Nothing," she answered. "Ill be back directly," and she ran back. "Shes still here," she thought. "What am I to say to her? Oh, dear! what have I done, what have I said? Why was I rude to her? What am I to do? What am I to say to her?" thought Kitty, and she stopped in the doorway. Varenka in her hat and with the parasol in her hands was sitting at the table examining the spring which Kitty had broken. She lifted her head. "Varenka, forgive me, do forgive me," whispered Kitty, going up to her. "I dont remember what I said. I..." "I really didnt mean to hurt you," said Varenka, smiling. Peace was made. But with her fathers coming all the world in which she had been living was transformed for Kitty. She did not give up everything she had learned, but she became aware that

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